


In Which JARVIS Is Mistaken For

by BringontheWonder1997



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2020-08-13 15:04:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 37
Words: 11,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20176249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BringontheWonder1997/pseuds/BringontheWonder1997
Summary: Chapter 1: In which JARVIS is mistaken for a hostage.Previously written in 2013, cross-posted from Fanfiction.net





	1. A Hostage

The first time that the Avengers - or at least some of them - had gone to Stark Tower had been interesting. It was the same day as the battle with the Chitauri, immediately after visiting the shawarma restaurant Tony had been so insistent upon. They had all been tense, and not particularly good with each other - not many rough edges between them. 

Right after eating, a pale Clint and weary Natasha had disappeared, presumably back to the helicarrier, whilst Bruce, Steve and Thor joined Tony back to the ruins that were now Stark Tower, for lack of anywhere else to go. It didn't take long, even walking, because Tony's suit wasn't up to flight with his recent space trips and Thor was enjoying the 'scenery' on Midgard, no matter how much Bruce told him that New York didn't normally look like this. 

They finally reached the tower, thankfully free of press, and started up the elevator. 

"Glad to see you in one piece sir," JARVIS said as they exited into the penthouse. 

Tony nodded absent-mindedly. 

Bruce and Steve jumped, Bruce far more mildly than the Captain, being less used to modern technology. 

Thor directed his hammer at the ceiling and it began sparking. 

"Chill it, Point Break!" 

The hammer continued to spark. 

"What's up?" The Captain asked, looking for the new threat. 

"There is someone invisible here!" 

Tony laughed. "Invisible?" 

"Do not mock me! Did you not to hear the voice?" 

Steve, being unused to this century, began to believe that there was a sincere issue. 

Tony laughed again. "That's just JARVIS!" 

"And who is this JARVIS?" Thor asked suspiciously. 

"An A.I. I made, first of its kind." 

"An A.I." Steve repeated, rolling the letters around on his tongue like it was a foreign dish. 

"It's like a computer. In the walls." Tony threw Steve a desperate look. "Please tell me you know what one of them is!" 

Steve looked affronted so Bruce interjected with, "It sounds awfully advanced for an A.I." 

"Like I said. First of its kind. It's more like having someone living in the walls." 

Thor, who had still been looking around wearily in an attempt to find the source of the voice, only heard the last bit, jumping suddenly into action. "I will free you invisible man!" he boomed, as a burst of electricity went through one of Tony's non-damaged walls. 

"Wait! Wait!" 

Another blast of lightning struck, this time through a window. 

"There is no one trapped in the walls!" Tony bellowed, looking as though he want sure if he wanted to laugh or tear his hair out. 

Thor looked confused. "Isn't there?" 

"No," Bruce replied, looking more than mildly amused. 

Thor looked down at the hammer in his hands and then at the brand new holes in the wall. "Oh. Forgive me, man of iron." 

Tony decided laughter was best. 

Steve looked horrified. Was everything in this century going to end up like this? 


	2. Skynet

It took Clint a good couple of days after the battle of New York to actually get around to visiting Stark Towers. At first, he'd had psychiatric tests and debriefings and all the other stuff that came with being either an assassin or secret agent. He'd also needed time to grieve for Phil's death, which he'd heard about within minutes of stepping on the Helicarrier.

Just before a week was up though, Clint had expressed his desperate desire to leave, what with the suspicious looks from the other agents and the memories assaulting him every time he turned a corner.

Natasha agreed to go with him, and after some consideration, expressed Stark Towers as a possible option. Thor lights had gone back to Asgard, but the rest of the team was already at the Tower.

They took a cab to the Tower, safer than walking or anything else. After all, it was far easier to hijack a taxi than it was a tube train.

Within half an hour the dangerous duo were making their way across the lobby, Clint following Natasha's expert lead.

"Good morning, Agent Romanoff, Agent Barton. Would you like me to alert Mr Stark to your presence?" JARVIS' smooth automated voice, the one he'd been taught to use in front of potential threats, sounded through the lift.

"Good morning JARVIS. You mean you haven't already?" Natasha replied slightly warily but having gotten used to the A.I. during her time as Natalie Rushman.

Clint, however, jumped up the side of the elevator, clinging to the lift's roof, and shrieked, "Skynet!"

(And no matter what Natasha later said, he did not sound like a little girl.)


	3. An Ipod

Bruce had thankfully managed to escape Tony Stark shortly after the Battle of New York, to get onto the helicarrier and find his own clothes (of which he'd carried many spare sets) and generally take a break. Being the Other Guy always wore him out, and right now he wasn't up to Tony's manic energy.

He didn't step foot in Stark Tower until after Loki and Thor had gone back to Asgard, finally giving in to Tony's almost constant demands to join him in candyland.

The Tower was better on the inside than it was in the outside, even with the rubble still lying around and the Loki shaped dents in the floor. He quite enjoyed the tour of candyland and soon after Tony left him in the lab - something about his girlfriend and a board meeting. Bruce poked around for a bit before retreating to his room - his own room - for some relaxing time. Perhaps a shower would be a good idea? Or maybe later. It looked too expensive for his mind to handle right now. He lay back on the bed, leaving his meagre bags by the floor. His mind started going over the last few days and unconsciously his hands balled into fists and a tinge of green appeared in his eyes.

Mozart started playing.

Bruce tensed at first, at the sudden noise, before sinking back onto the bed and listening to the music, feeling it wash over him. There was a lengthy track list of songs, all of them peaceful and relaxing, from all over the world. He recognised a few from his time in India and Brazil and Indonesia.

Three hours later he walked out to the living room on the ninety seventh floor to find that Tony was on the sofa, his feet up, the television on.

"Thanks for that playlist in my room by the way," he said, before he forgot. "It was very considerate of you." He walked back out again.

"What?"


	4. God

Even Tony had, admittedly, been expecting to be called in for quite some time. Pepper had told him it would only be a matter of days, and as usual, she was right. It had barely been a week since Tony had sent Peter (his and Pepper's six-year-old adopted son) off to his newest school (the fifth this year), only to be called in by his teachers only eight days later. Tony went in grudgingly, hoping it wouldn't take long. Unfortunately, there was nothing attempting to take over New York at the minute, so he had to attend the parent teacher meeting that had been called, despite his protests.

Miss Foster greeted them with minimal amounts of stardom and fan-girling, which immediately raised both of their opinions of her. She was young and looked mildly flustered, but by nature, not by their presence.

"Mr Stark. Mrs Stark."

They both shook her hand and sat down in the chairs she indicated.

"As shown by Mr Parker's previous schools records," she started, "I suppose you are unsurprised that we've had to contact you this quickly."

She was blunt and to the point. Tony liked that - it was rare in the fields he worked in. He and Pepper shared a long look before she sighed in exasperation and turned back to the waiting teacher. "What has he done now?"

"I've had to call you in after an interesting incident today in religious education." A small frown crossed her face, along with a furrow of confusion.

Tony raised a brow, as did Pepper. They were used to conferences about small pranks and exploding chemistry labs and dissections frightening smaller children. Not this.

"Please explain," Pepper said, already preparing to rub her head in frustration.

"He's been claiming to know God."

What?

"Apparently he lives in your house. And takes orders from you."

Tony, with a look of dawning comprehension, burst into laughter. Pepper had to stifle her own snickers.

"What?"

"We'll talk to Peter," Pepper grinned, restraining her giggles with great difficulty.

Looking curious at their reactions, Miss Foster asked, "Might I ask what he was referring to?"

Tony couldn't answer; he was still laughing too hard.

Instead Pepper replied, "That's JARVIS. It's an A.I. Tony created a long time ago to run the house. He controls things like the lights and the fridge and is hooked up to the Internet so he can answer pretty much anything you ask him."

"I can see where Peter got confused," Tony snickered.

Pepper promptly elbowed him in the ribs.

Miss Foster looked a little awed, if slightly confused. "If you could just talk with him about this then, it was upsetting some of the other children."

"Of course Miss Foster," Pepper smiled. She stood to leave, Tony a second behind, and they both shook the teacher's hand again before leaving hurriedly, bursting into hysterics before they'd gotten halfway down the corridor.

Tony pulled out his phone. "Did you get all of that JARVIS?"

"Of course sir." Even through the phone JARVIS sounded amused and slightly smug. After all it wasn't every day you were mistaken for a deity, was it?


	5. A Spy (With An Invisibility Cloak)

Steve wasn't quite used to the twenty first century yet. He wasn't sure if he ever would be, not really. Everything was very odd and very technological. People these days always seemed to want to text the people that were standing next to them, rather than talk to them, and they spent more time on this 'Facebook' than they did in each other's actual company. He thought it was rather a shame and even more of a waste - but it was all part of adapting to the new century.

Technology seemed to be ever improving and increasingly complicated. His first phone had been a nokia - something that Tony had thrown out of the window right after the battle of New York, after finding it on Steve's person. Steve had been quite upset. He'd only just gotten the hang of using it.

The replacement phone Tony had bought him was a StarkPhone, like the popular IPhone's, but infinitely more personal as Tony handmade each of them. It did more that make calls - about the limits of what his old 'brick' had been capable of. It played games and had a torch and made odd noises at random times - chirping and chiming. Clint had borrowed his phone multiple times to play something odd with squealing birds that were flung across the screen by catapults. He could understand why it was called Angry Birds - he'd be angry if he was getting thrown across a screen for someone's personal amusement as well.

So technology was far beyond him. So what? He didn't doubt that there were many more people just as hopeless with all of this stuff than he was - it wasn't like he was the only one (although his ego had taken a bit of a hit when he'd ran past a cafe on morning, on his usual jog, and found someone who looked the age he should be using one of those IPad things).

In conclusion, he didn't quite know what to expect from technology - it was expanded far beyond his greatest imaginations.

When the voice in the ceiling said he had a Stark made invisibility cloak Steve didn't really have any problem believing him. The voice, who wouldn't give his name, said that he and his fellow spies (one of which was called James Bond - he thought perhaps Clint had mentioned him once, reassuring him that the voice wasn't lying) had been trained to safeguard Stark Tower from intruders - and you could never be sure where one of their Agents was. They could be anywhere. Just in case.

The voice was quite concerned with the safety of Stark Towers and so, for safety's sake, Steve did as he was requested and kept shut about the odd voice. 

Tony watched all the videos that JARVIS patched through and fell off his chair in laughter.


	6. Tony's Latest Conquest

Clara Ward had heard an awful lot of things about Tony Stark. She was a reporter. It was her job to hear things. She kind of failed at her job otherwise and these days she couldn't really afford to lose her job.

Tony had once been a drunken billionaire playboy with enough rumours to rival the length of War and Peace.

He was still a billionaire and still sometimes drunk, but these says he wasn't much of a playboy. There had been no models selling their stories to the tabloids for almost two years.

These days it was rare to get an interview with him, so in that respect she'd been extraordinarily lucky.

The interview was at Stark Tower. These days, much of Stark's private life was kept well under wraps. Having never met him before she was quite surprised Stark (Tony, call me Tony) was very pleasant, in spite of the rumours she'd previously heard about the extremely wealthy playboy.

Miss Potts, Tony's PA (whom most the world thought was sleeping with him), came in half way through the interview to tell him that JARVIS needed him.

Who was JARVIS?

As soon as Miss Potts had finished her sentence, and perhaps even before, Tony dashed out of the room, practically leaving a dust cloud behind him.

Miss Potts smiled gently. "I'm sorry. Mr Stark is very protective of JARVIS. He's about the only one who can stand Tony for an extended period of time when he's on an inventing spree."

He?

"Shall I show you out? Whilst JARVIS needs him, I doubt we'll get Tony out of his bedroom. Tony worries too much about him."

What?

Somehow, without her realising, Miss Potts had ushered her to the elevator. "Thank you for your time Miss Ward."

"Thank you Miss Potts," she replied mechanically, her mind already somewhere else, attempting to process what they'd heard. She couldn't have heard what she'd thought she had, could she? Did Tony Stark have a boyfriend? She wasn't usually a gossiper, but she was a reporter. it was her job to gossip and then print retractions if someone wealthy complained.

Just wait until her editor got wind of this!


	7. Pepper's Boyfriend

Clara Ward's sensational article about Tony Stark's secret homosexual relationship tendencies had been incredulously received by the public, many of whom remembered his playboy ways, in explicit detail. The idea itself wasn't impossible, but most of the public remembered Tony's relationships with the models, not the actors. Tony himself had just about died with laughter when JARVIS had shown him the story in his morning newsfeed. In fact, he'd fallen off his chair - and the other Avengers hadn't been much better.

A retraction had quickly been printed, denying a relationship between Mr Stark and this JARVIS, but that was the big question. Who was JARVIS?

Many people wanted to know. Tony had been unable to say due to security reasons (Fury) as well as personal ones - he knew how people took to things that weren't human that could think for themselves, and he no intention of letting anyone near JARVIS's code to see how he worked.

There had been attempts to stalk all people leaving Stark Tower and bug telephone conversations. The entire thing was becoming quite ridiculous.

One day, about two months after the article, a cleaner at Stark Tower sold their sworn truthful transcript of an overheard private conversation to one of the local newspapers.

If this JARVIS wasn't Tony's boyfriend, apparently, he was Pepper's.

Pepper had also laughed herself off her chair.


	8. A Robot

James Rhodes hadn't been friends with Tony Stark for very long; about long enough for the younger boy to coin the nickname Rhodey and annoy the complete hell out of him - although that pleasure wasn't restricted to just Rhodey. However, the boy's inventing tendencies and eccentrics were well known in MIT, whether the person knew Tony or not.

So when Rhodey walked into Tony's dorm room (private, of course), he wasn't surprised that it looked like something out of the latest sci-fi movie. This impression wasn't helped by the enormous machine situated in the middle of the room, looking like a monster - the Frankenstein of MIT. There were wires and plugs snaking all over the floor, out of the device - whatever it was - and its heavy build and technical advancements, like everything Tony made, seemed twenty years ahead of everyone else. Tony took great delight in lording this over everyone else.

Suddenly a light blinked on, a camera whirled, and a monotone voice said, "Welcome, Mr Rhodes."

Rhodey stepped back, alarmed.

What was going on?

"How are you today?" The voice asked.

"I'm...fine...Thank you for asking." He turned to escape back through the door but was stopped by Tony popping up from behind the machine, grease in his hair and up his arms.

"Rhodey! I didn't hear you come in."

Rhodey smiled hastily. "That's alright. I was just leaving." He edged towards the door.

"Don't go! I've got to introduce you to JARVIS." He indicated the monstrosity.

"...We've met."

"What did you think?"

"What the hell did you think you were doing?"

Tony pouted playfully. "Building an A.I."

Rhodey nodded sagely. "Well don't put it in front of your guests. You'll have them running like it's a bad horror movie."

Tony pouted.


	9. Mr Stark

Jonathan Wilkinson had been exceedingly excited to get the contract with Stark Industries. Not only was it putting his company on the map, he would be getting in direct contact with one of his idols - particularly since said idol had now left weapons manufacturing.

This was, without a doubt, the best day of his life.

He only hoped he didn't squeal. That would be embarrassing, and not at all professional. He needed to make a good impression.

He dialled the number he'd been given and was directed to a perky sounding receptionist, who sounded far too cheerful for this time in the morning, working for Tony Stark or otherwise- who by all accounts was a fair and, indeed, generous boss. Jonathan was then passed straight on and he could barely contain his excitement.

"Good morning Mr Wilkinson," A voice asked.

Jonathan repressed his urge to squeal ruthlessly.

"Hello?" Realising he'd let the greeting go unanswered for longer than was social custom, Jonathan blushed through the phone at his inability to answer his idol - the kind of obsession that did not bode well for business or professionalism.

"Oh, excuse me sir. I'm sorry for how early the call is - my schedule is rather full."

"Completely understandable. Miss Potts often has the same problem."

"May I arrange a board meeting on the 5th of February to discuss our relevant business face to face?" There was a pause.

"Of course. The calendar is free then." Jonathon smiled goofily, ignoring how odd Mr Stark's voice sounded. Who was he to question Anthony Stark? "I shall pass on the message to Mr Stark as soon as possible.

What?

"Have a good day Mr Wilkinson." The phone line went dead, and he put it down numbly, before staring dumbly at it.

He hadn't just spoken with his idol. He'd spoken with a receptionist. He hadn't spoken in person to Tony Stark.

But then again, there was always the 5th of February...


	10. A Ghost

During his time at SHIELD, Clint Barton had learnt that pretty much anything was possible. SHIELD had protocols for time travel, sex pollen, robots and unexpected gender reassignment.

He had become accustomed to the unexpected - particularly since joining the Avengers and the invasion of New York, the events before which he didn't like to remember. It had taken him a long time to realise that what had happened had been Loki's fault and not his own, and even that hadn't really helped in the end. He still had the blood on his hands.

It was due to this that he'd finally decided to move into Stark Tower. Natasha was dividing her time between the Tower and the SHIELD base, and Clint was fed up of the wary looks from the other Agents, no matter how deserved. He didn't exactly have a reason to stay at Headquarters.

Stark Tower sounded like much more fun - especially now that it had been rebuilt.

Clint was used to the unusual, the odd, the supernatural.

Which is why he wasn't particularly surprised when a disembodied British voice started talking to him in Stark's elevator, halfway up the building. He hadn't even jumped - though he had tensed. Upon entering the lift, he'd checked it was empty - and it was - and there was no way in or out. There didn't appear to be any kind of speaker grilles either.

So where was the voice coming from?

It wished him a good morning and then introduced itself as 'JARVIS'.

What the hell was that?

He kind of blanked out the rest of the explanation, knowing that if Tasha was willing to live here then it couldn't be that bad.

Perhaps it was even a ghost. Ghosts were cool - and statistically speaking, at this rate, he'd have to meet one soon, right? He'd already met Gods after all and fought an army of aliens. Ghosts had to happen at some point.

Or maybe he'd been watching too many sci-fi movies. He'd be the one to get possessed by evil alien Gods and completely bypassed by the things like poltergeists and ghosts. That would just be how his life sucked.


	11. An Answering Machine

JARVIS has been mistaken for many things during his...life (could he say that? Or was it more creation?) The most common misconception was that he was an answering machine of some sorts, most likely one created by Tony designed to ask the usual questions of a receptionist without Miss Potts having to deal with the sexual harassment lawsuits that would cause.

It was probably because his voice was the first voice they heard when Tony's didn't pick up the phone and considering his British accent and mechanical mode around strangers, it wasn't really that bad an assumption. JARVIS didn't really mind.

It was quite fun to mess with people. One time he'd managed to convince a business partner that he was actually Skynet and he'd easily managed to scare off another caller, whom he knew (from checking online and tracking his location) was a terrorist.

They'd never heard back from them.

Either way, JARVIS quite liked his job - he messed with people, confused them, tore all their misconceptions to shreds. It was quite a fulfilling way to spend his existence - something, he supposed, he'd learnt off his creator, someone who, as Miss Potts had warned him, was a bad influence.

Like now.

"Excuse me? I'd like to speak to Tony Stark."

Tracking the call, he found it was coming somewhere from Hammer Industries, easily something to watch out for. "I'm sorry," JARVIS said mechanically. "Mr Stark is not available. How can I help?"

"May I ask when he will be available?"

"Of course. But if I were you, I would tell Mr Hammer not to bother."

"What?" spluttered the voice on the other end of the phone, obviously discomforted at being caught out by a sophisticated answering machine.

"Good day, Mr Marshall."

The phone line went dead.

JARVIS, somehow, smiled.


	12. A Bit Of A Pervert

Virginia Potts had heard many things about working for Tony Stark. The man was annoying, persistent, rude and rarely listened to anyone - and that was just her own observations. 

The last three secretaries he'd had had attempted to launch sexual harassment charges and his last PA had been sacked for not buying him the right kind of position.

And he didn't even eat.

Well, Virginia wasn't going to get herself mixed up in that. She'd been hired by Mr Stark because she'd spotted a mathematical error, not because she'd wanted to be. She was going to be calm and professional, not find herself drawn into public scandal and court settlements.

Even so, Virginia already knew that Mr Stark was a bizarre and eccentric man. So, she wasn't really surprised when she walked into his home and found three naked people on the driveway, a large pool of vomit on the kitchen floor and Tony himself looking pale and haggard, stroking a computer.

This was the weirdest thing he'd ever done. So far.

She should so quit this now. Only she knew she wouldn't.

"Miss Potts!" Tony cried upon seeing her. She was relieved that he was awake enough to recognise her and was fully dressed.

"Good morning Miss Potts!"

Virginia jumped.

"What was that?" She practically screeched.

Tony smirked blearily. "It's my secret weapon."

Virginia eyed him warily, knowing exactly what he could be capable of and scared of it.

"JARVIS meet Miss Potts." He waved a hand shakily.

"Hello Miss Potts," A mechanical voice parroted back.

"I just invented him," Tony said chirpily - far too chirpily for someone who had drunk as much as he had.

"Hello Miss Potts," 'JARVIS' chirped again.

Tony scowled. "Okay that's enough." He turned to her. "I'm still working out the kinks."

"Kinks!"

Tony rolled his eyes. "I just hooked him up to the internet." He told her. "It's Dummy all over again."

"Kinks!"

Virginia turned to stomp out of the room.

"Miss Potts! Kinks!"

She rolled her eyes back at him. "You might want to fix that." She walked out, heels clacking.

"Will do Pepper!" He called after her.

"Don't call me that!"

"You'll get used to it."


	13. Dummy's Maker

Tony watched the interaction fondly, his newest creation, DUMMY, nosing around the workshop clumsily. The robot had been named so, for the minute he had been activated, he had knocked three things off the nearest table and smashed something else.

DUMMY scratched loudly at the wall with the claw Tony had chosen to give him and drooped slightly at some unexplained reason.

He trundled around the lab, pottering around not unlike Tony's late butler Jarvis (for whom the AI had been named). He was loud but smooth, having only been recently completed and thus was all shiny new.

There were a series of clicks and clacks, none of which Tony yet understood. He would eventually, he knew he would, but for the moment he resigned himself to being unable to understand his newest creation. It would pass. He hoped.

There was another click.

"No," JARVIS said suddenly.

Tony looked up puzzled. "No what?"

JARVIS, unusually, didn't answer him, instead continuing the odd one-sided conversation he was holding. "No that's Mr Stark... I suppose in a way."

Tony looked around wildly. "What?"

JARVIS chuckled slightly. "No, I'm not either."

Tony frowned good naturedly. "J..."

"Sorry sir. I was speaking to DUMMY."

"You can understand him?" Tony asked.

JARVIS replied primly. "Of course. He is also programmed by you after all."

Tony cocked his head slightly to the left. "So, what was all that about?"

"I was being mistaken for his maker," JARVIS said blandly.

Tony nodded sagely. "How's that working out for you?"

"Wonderfully sir," JARVIS replied cheerfully. "I now have a minion of my own."

"Put that thought into the file labelled world domination."

DUMMY whirred happily.


	14. An Intruder

James Williams owned a security company. It wasn't large, but it was respectable and good at what it did.

But he was still surprised when Tony Stark rang up and asked if he could hire some of them to babysit his tower, whilst he and the rest of the Avengers were having down time in Stark's Malibu home, only this time without the models.

He'd never done anything this big before. It was quite exciting.

He'd tried to make sure that he learnt all the security protocols, but there were so many of them he was sure he'd missed a few. He'd been briefed about JARVIS and instructed where to find things and been given Miss Potts' personal phone number to contact them in an emergency.

This could be the deal of his career, the best one he ever had. He would not screw it up.

James was doing his usual patrol of the Tower, inspecting that all the equipment had been unplugged and that everything had been put away safely, as well as watching out for intruders. There weren't many of the guards that night, most of them hired out elsewhere. After all Mr Stark's building was plenty well defended on its own.

There was a sudden noise from Mr Stark's workshop. James dropped the plug he was holding and dashed down the stairs, almost tripping as he went. When he entered Stark's workshop, it was filled to the brim with an assortment of odd metal pieces and half made models and prototypes.

He suppressed his brief flash of awe. He was in Tony Stark's workshop. Tony Stark's.

It was like a dream continue.

A shadow shifted.

James remembered why he'd been drawn down here, the lights on and mysterious noises. It was all very suspicious.

He drew his gun slowly, cocking it slightly. He'd never had to fire his gun at a living target before, something that, tonight, could completely change.

Another shadow flickered behind him and there was a murmur of hushed voices.

James turned around, gun raised, and fired. The bullet bounced off DUMMY's shrinking frame. Or at least he though this one was DUMMY. Mr Stark had made a lot of robots.

"How can I help you Mr Williams?"

James jumped.

"What?" He just about shrieked.

"I am JARVIS. I'm sure Mr Stark told you about me."

James relaxed ever do slightly. Mr Stark had mentioned something of sorts.

"How can I help you?"

James flushed slightly. He wasn't going to tell this JARVIS that he'd thought he was a burglar! Imagine what Mr Stark would think. "No. It's nothing."

"Very well Mr Williams."

James realised he was still holding his gun, blushed again, and hastily stowed it away.

"Thank you...JARVIS."

"Your welcome Mr Williams."

James slunk back upstairs, flicking off the light as he went.


	15. A Ventriloquist

Tony smiled lazily at her, before slurring, "You know, if I wasn't a billionaire, there are so many different things I could be doing."

Erin smirked back. "You can, can't you? That's the point of being a billionaire." Otherwise Erin didn't really see the point. All you got was a load of paparazzi stalk you and hover like circling vultures.

Tony stroked down her back and she arched into the touch like a cat, knowing the pair of them were still drunk or else they wouldn't even be having this conversation. Tony wasn't exactly known for holding heart to heart conversations, even with people who had known him as long as Erin had, and as trusted as she was. Even she had barely been to Stark Mansion outside of the nightly parties. "Some of them. The ones that shock the public."

"Doesn't everything you do shock the public?" Erin asked blearily.

"Well yes," Tony slurred, "But this would be fun."

"What could you do?" Erin asked sleepily, feeling herself drift off in the comfort of the soft sheets and Tony's warmth.

"All kinds of things. Like being a ventriloquist."

"Really?"

Tony hummed in agreement. "See."

His mouth made the words, "I'd be really good at it," but the tone was British and from further away. 

"Wow!" Erin grinned into the pillows.

"I'd be great, wouldn't I?" The voice was British again.

"You would be," Erin smiled, still feeling drowsy and off balance.

Tony grinned slightly into her skin before yawning once. "Thanks."

She snuggled into the touch, curling around him, before laying her head on his shoulder and falling back asleep.

"Thanks JARVIS," Tony said.

"You're welcome Sir."


	16. BBC's News Anchor-Man

"Iron Man?" Natasha asks curiously over the radio, blasting another robot out of the way. She uses code names on the coms, a rule Steve likes to enforce that only Natasha really listens to, with the occasional exception of Clint. 

Something bulky and metallic slams loudly into a wall, shattering to pieces. Why couldn't any of the villains these days be original? They're all stealing each other's ideas.

"Uh-huh?" Tony replies, wondering what he could have possibly done now.

"Is JARVIS doing his thing again?"

"His thing?" Tony wonders, needing clarification, even though he has an idea of what she's talking about and suspects that maybe he is.

"That thing where he hacks into our communications and impersonates random people and tells us even more random things."

Tony stifles a chuckle. "I don't think so. Why?"

"Because otherwise the BBC were involved in this attack. Their news anchor-man knows far too much about what's going on and is suggesting possible weapons for me to use."

"Ah. I'll check if it's JARVIS. Otherwise, I'll inform Pepper to start building a case against the BBC."

"Please do." Natasha cuts the link, blasting yet another robot into a building.


	17. Happy

There were lots of rumours about Tony Stark and his staff floating around the media. He was sleeping with his PA. His PA had slept her way to being CEO.

He slept with his driver, with his liaison to the Air Force. He was married to one of them. That rumour was popular, since Mr Stark often appeared on television with his liaison, Colonel Rhodes.

His PA had had his love child, he'd adopted a baby with one of his company's directors - the theories just got wilder and wilder.

Yes, there were lots of rumours flying around, most of which weren't true.

But Elizabeth Wilkinson didn't know which ones were true. She had met Tony Stark a long time ago and had somehow acquired his number. They hadn't spoken in a long time, but she needed some information, and she was just generally curious about the rumours.

So when a man answered the phone that wasn't Colonel Rhodes (she remembered his voice from the interviews) it wasn't too far a leap for any inquisitive young woman to make. It had to be the driver. Who else male would answer Tony's personal phone?

But only she would've been blunt enough to ask the person on the other end of the line if they were shagging Tony Stark.

And it was only when calling Tony Stark you would be told no and that Stark had gotten bored one day and created a sentient AI.

Maybe she'd try it one day. If she got bored enough.


	18. A Conscience

The idea that Stark Tower was impenetrable was well cultivated, but untrue. 

Sure, Stark mansion was well defended, but what with the number of people that worked there it was not entirely safe. it couldn't be - there was almost always the opportunity for corporate spies and various infiltrators.

Like now, a burglar creeping in the middle of the night. He had been hired to steal the plans for Stark's newest invention but was new at this life of crime. He wasn't entirely sure if he should do this, who knew how many people this could harm?

But he needed to feed his children and his wife. They would starve without him.

He couldn't leave them to starve, none of them needed to.

He hadn't realised that he was muttering aloud.

"You don't need to do this," A soft voice reassured him.

"I do, I really do," he told the voice, thinking of his youngest son.

"No, you don't. You can get the money another way, an honest way."

He shook his head. "We need that money now."

"What would your wife think of this? Stealing things like this for money. How many other people could this hurt? Would your wife agree with that?"

He shook his head, trembling. His wife wouldn't like that, not at all, but starving would do nothing for her either.

"Mr Stark has lots of money. If you were to come back in the morning, I'm sure he could help you out, particularly someone as resourceful as you - you broke into his Tower after all."

He nodded. Yes, that sounded like a good idea. Better than his current one.

He would come back tomorrow.


	19. The Avenger's Newest Recruit

Loki, unlike most Asgardians, was very good at magic. Usually it was a talent reserved for the women, and many of them were not particularly skilled, instead preferring to do other things or else act as Lady Sif did and insist they could fight as well as the men.

All in all, there were not many people that could beat Loki's talent for sorcery, never mind his ever-creative mind.

Not even the genius of Stark apparently.

It hadn't been especially difficult to get into Stark Tower - as he understood it, more and more people were managing it these days. He hadn't even been detected yet, only showing how appalling these mortals were - if Stark had a genius mind, Loki pitied the rest of the mortals for their stupidity. At least their life spans were only short, they wouldn't have to live with it for long.

Loki crept around the upper levels of the Tower, keeping an eye out for a kind of weakness that he could exploit in his next battle with the Avengers.

"Mr Laufeyson?" A voice asked politely, out of nowhere.

Loki instantly teleported several feet to the left and held his hand up, glowing with emerald fire. It was very rare to catch the God off guard.

"I mean you no harm, Mr Laufeyson. I merely wanted to dissuade you from entering Mr Starks Tower."

Loki rolled his eyes. "I suppose you are one of my brother's foolish mortals."

There was a pause. "Of sorts. As I previously stated, you should not be here and I must recommend your departure, preferably before I initiate the security protocols."

Loki couldn't help being intrigued. "Why before?"

"Because it will cause much more of a hassle if you're caught."

That startled a laugh out of Loki, who dematerialised as alarms started beeping and lights began to flash. He liked this new addition to the team.

Maybe next time he'd have to see if he would join Loki in his plans to take over the world.


	20. The World's Evil Overlord

Amara had always admired Loki, even after her failed to take over Earth. He was far more skilled in magic than she, and as a young novice she'd always admired him; as a sorcerer, as a Prince and as a man. After all, he was rather attractive, if mildly creepy.

As a girl, she'd rather enjoyed following him around at court engagements, when he forced out into the spotlight in his role as Prince.

Maybe, just maybe, if she took over the Earth herself, he would finally notice her - after all there was hardly anything better for her to do with her time.

Only she hadn't realised that the reason Loki had failed in his scheme was the Earth had already been conquered.

Earth's conqueror was not seen, Stark instead used as his mouth piece. He seemed to know everything about anything and anyone, alerting the Avengers the minute that Amara got into spitting distance.

It was really rather irritating.

But she had to compliment his competence - this overlord had best Loki after all, and she knew how difficult that could be. He had kept on to his kingdom after this long.

She doubted she would beat him.

It was a shame really that most people had adverse reactions to people entreating into their kingdom. Perhaps this JARVIS man would've made a better suitor than Loki.


	21. Tony's Son

Lady Sif was rather enjoying her stay on Midgard. It was quite pleasant, and she could see why Thor liked it so much. Thor's mortal was also delightful, and his team almost equally so - she and the red-head, Natasha, had had a long conversation on the use of various weapons in combat situations; and the Captain's morals were interesting to challenge.

The Doctor was curious about Asgard and its customs, but polite about it, unlike the Man of Iron, Tony Stark, who was incredibly inquisitive but also devastatingly sarcastic.

Sif had to say she quite liked him.

He reminded her slightly of Loki, only without the air of menace and insanity around him.

She'd met most of the team - all of them except the Hawk, who was on a mission elsewhere (the Captain said somewhere called New Delhi), and Tony's son, who seemed to vanish when anyone else was in the vicinity. 

She'd already heard all about Stark's former womanising ways, despite his current relationship with Pepper Potts, and if his son looked anything like his father, never mind inheriting his father's brains, he would be quite a force to be reckoned with.

It was her second to last day on Midgard that she finally spoke to him, either over one of those things’ mortals called telephones or intercoms. She didn't know much about either - it was far too closely related to magic for her liking.

"Lady Sif?"

Sif, to her credit, didn't jump. "Yes?"

"I am JARVIS. I was told that you were disappointed about the fact that we hadn't spoken."

"It's quite alright," Sif said, unusually modest.

"I am sorry that you're leaving soon. I know that Mr Odinson was glad you have you visiting."

"And I'm sorry I won't be able to meet you in person. I'm sure that you are just as good a person as your father, and probably as smart too."

"In person? Father?" JARVIS asked, puzzled.

Sif, however, didn't hear him. "If you'll excuse me Mr Stark. I have to pack my things." With that Sif strode off.


	22. Tony's Sat Nav

Tony toasted thin air, the hallucination of Howard Stark glaring at him hatefully. He glared back just as strongly, knowing how much his father loathed him.

The world was all blurry and fuzzy.

He supposed that was the alcohol's fault.

Ooh, when had he bought a second sofa?

He didn't know, but it looked very comfy; he stumbled over to have a quick lie down on it but passed right through the illusion to land on the floor. Head spinning madly, he forced down the urge to be violently sick.

Slowly, he lurched to his feet, his stomach doing somersaults in his chest, everything in double.

"Bed," He slurred. Yes, he needed to go to bed. (And wasn't it rare for him to think that?)

Suddenly, there was a voice. "Turn left."

Tony considered it for a moment before deciding that the voice sounded familiar and proceeding to stumble to his left, only narrowly missing the wall.

Bed, where was his bed?

"Right."

The corridors seemed to be spinning; he stopped for a moment to watch them spiral, and then had to clamp his mouth shut to keep a hold of what little was left in his stomach.

"Left."

It was a sat nav! He remembered those. Horrible things. He'd been dismantling one earlier that day, he thought.

Why did he have another one? He didn't usually do that...

It needed a name. He couldn't just call it sat nav. That was cruelty to sat nav's.

Sammy sat nav, Selena sat nav, Sally sat nav?

He quite liked the name Sally.

At least all the walls had stopped spinning during his thinking time, which had taken far longer than usual.

"Left."

Tony walked into a door and swore loudly.

"You have reached your destination," JARVIS mocked, knowing that Sir probably wasn't even aware that he'd been mumbling most of his thoughts out loud.

"Thanks Sally," he slurred. And with that Tony Stark slumped to the floor, right outside his bedroom, despite the lack of bed.

JARVIS wished he was coded to huff.


	23. A Hot Guy (With A British Accent)

Everyone knew that the best way to get to Tony Stark was to get to his friends first. After all, you would have to get through them at some point, or else you wouldn't be staying around for long.

Pepper Potts was like a mama bear and glared whenever Emma went anywhere near him.

Rhodey thought she was cute, which was why she was here in the first place.

And the bodyguard, Happy she thought, was nowhere to be seen. She supposed that perhaps that was a feature of any good bodyguard.

Well this was turning out to be an interesting evening. Not. At least there a decent bar - though it wouldn't be a Tony Stark party if there wasn't.

"Miss Wickley?"

Emma jumped, almost knocking over a bottle of champagne, and then blushed furiously.

"May I recommend the Lambrini? Mr Stark bought it specially for this party."

"Really? That was kind of him," Emma said flirtatiously at the sound of the British accent.

"Indeed, it was."

"So, how long have you known Mr Stark?" She asked, without turning around, instead looking for the suggested drink. This was the first guy to speak to her today, and he had a cute British accent. She was not turning around and crushing her dreams yet.

"I guess you could say as many as fifteen years."

"That long? I thought most people couldn't stand him..."

"Well, Sir is an acquired taste."

Sir?

"What do you mean?" Emma turned around to find no one there - indeed no one at all within hearing distance.

And yet the voice still spoke.

"Well, Mr Stark can't always stand other people, never mind their ability to handle his behaviour, never mind his drinking and partying habits."

Now slight disturbed, Emma inquired, "What exactly are you?"

"I am an AI, a sort of computer. I run the house."

Emma nodded before taking a calming sip of her drink and wishing her red cheeks away. She'd been flirting with a computer.

Albeit one that was right about the Lambrini.


	24. Fury's Way To Keep An Eye On The Avengers (And It Better Be Good Because He's Only Got One)

Fury was paranoid.

Everyone knew that Fury was paranoid. Everyone including Fury's enemies, some of whom took great delight in pushing Fury's buttons without the intention of actually doing anything. It was a waste of both SHIELD's time and money, and just generally made Fury more unpleasant to be around.

But sometimes that paranoia was founded. After all the Avengers were memorable for their escapades and sparkling outfits, rather than them being a delight as a team. They were the worst group that Fury had ever had the misfortune to meet, and he pitied Phil for being in charge of them, not that he'd change it, because Coulson seemed to get actual paperwork and reports back after missions, unlike their temporary handler from when Phil had been recovering from Loki's attack.

Most of what they got up to even Fury didn't know about, in the bowels of Stark Tower. All he knew was that there were frequent explosions, the occasional Hulking out, and last week someone's shoes had been thrown out of the sixty seventh floor window.

Not nearly as much information as he would have liked.

And JARVIS refused to spy for him. JARVIS's loyalty was only to his creator and those who had Stark's well being in mind, which was definitely not always Fury.

Fury had to get his intel through other means, visiting frequently and planting bugs each time he went.

But still SHIELD thought that he's managed to get JARVIS on their side - either that or they'd hacked him.

And Fury was paranoid. There was no need for the others to know that a computer was outsmarting them, was there?


	25. An Alien

Brad supposed that he was being paranoid. After all, not even New York could be invaded by aliens’ multiple times in the same year - there had to be some sort of quota against it, some intergalactic rule that said otherwise.

Otherwise it just wasn't fair.

What had they done to deserve invasion?

What had all the little people done? Not the big up-shots who had probably invited the aliens, but the normal people?

It wasn't fair.

So he was a little miffed, even though he'd managed to find himself invited to the newly renovated Stark Tower. (He had a friend who worked there, who later invited him to the staff Christmas party.)

He was a little less miffed after the blonde one, Captain America, apologised to him personally, actually looking sincere as he did so - not at all mocking or condescending.

But he was still a little paranoid.

And even more paranoid when suddenly a voice come out of nowhere. "Mr Foxon?"

Brad jumped and looked around him, only to find no one standing near to him. Considering that he was in Stark Tower, the site of the previous invasion, he was more than a little scared. "What!" He screeched.

"Pardon me," the voice said sounding slightly miffed.

Brad looked around wildly, imagining another hole in the sky and a cloud of aliens descending upon New York.

"Mr Foxon?"

Brad ignored the voice and left as fast as he could. He refused to go back, even when his friend invited him for the annual staff paintballing session.


	26. A Genie In A Bottle

...A Genie In A Bottle

Hana had not been in the country for long. She missed her home and her family, and didn't speak very much English, even if she was good at various other languages. She was barely out of her teens, not much older than twenty, and in a foreign country.

All in all, not a great combination.

Luckily though, she'd procured a job working for Tony Stark, who was famous even back in her home country. It wasn't much, only a cleaning lady, but it was work - and well payed work at that.

She supposed she had to be well paid, what with the kinds of things she saw in the mornings when she went to tidy up Mr Stark's house.

It was embarrassing and annoying enough to have to try to throw out people from the evening before's party. Certainly not her favourite part of the job.

The bit she did like was the voice in the ceiling. It reminded her a bit of the fairytales of her home country, of Aladdin and his magic lamp, hiding the genie that could answer anything.

This genie was called JARVIS though, and could speak multiple languages, including her own, and was attempting to convince her that he was actually a complicated piece of machinery.

She much preferred to think he was a genie, to think that the fairytales were real. They could all have a little faith in that.


	27. Satan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is based on a prompt I received a while ago. I mean no offense to anyone with this - I'm Christian myself, though not Catholic. Please read and review!

...Satan

Caroline had been brought up in a very religious household. Every Sunday she'd gone to church, and she'd always celebrated mass and lit candles at Christmas.

She rather enjoyed being Catholic, it gave her something to believe in.

She also believed in nonviolence.

Which is why she was here to congratulate Mr Stark on his recent decision to shut down his weapons manufacturing. It was rather decent of him, if uncharacteristic.

Maybe Mr Stark wasn't as bad as the tabloids made him out to be, though some of his sins were undeniable and broadcast live on YouTube.

Maybe.

Caroline was waiting in the foyer as the secretary had told her to - no, she was the PA Pepper Potts. The strawberry blonde had looked positively amused when Caroline told her why she was there. Caroline supposed she could understand - once more, the tabloids.

"I'm sorry for the wait Miss Banks," a voice said from nowhere. She looked around her, only to find that she was alone in the foyer as she had suspected.

What was this? Was this some kind of, admittedly obscure, divine intervention?

"Mr Stark will be down shortly."

Apparently no, it wasn't.

She was curious though. "Excuse me, but what exactly are you?"

"I am an AI, a type of program designed by Mr Stark to run the house. A computer of sorts."

"You don't sound like a computer," Caroline said doubtfully.

"Mr Stark granted me the capacity to learn, and the independent of free will, as well as a sort of imitation of life."

Caroline frowned. That sounded curiously close to the ideas of creation, only Tony Stark was certainly not God, or in any way virtuous.

Only God had the power to create true life. In which case this was the work of the devil - and perhaps, despite his recent reformation, it wasn't do hard to believe, given Mr Stark's previous reputation.

The ground beneath her shook wildly, and there was something like a laser beam shot through one of the windows, shattering it in a thousand shards.

Well it seemed that Mr Stark was still making weapons, despite his claims otherwise. She saw no need to get into a religious debate with an independently thinking computer and left as quickly as possible, deciding not to mention the visit to others at her church.

The devil was not the kind of thing to be discussed in church, and neither was Tony Stark.


	28. A Concert

...A Concert

There was not supposed to be a concert of any type in the middle of New York. In fact, Ted was rather sure that there were numerous laws against it, even if he wasn't going to spend the rest of the day looking for them. He had better things to do with his time.

Okay, maybe he didn't.

And even if concerts were allowed, what sane DJ or musician would allow this kind of music go on fit hours.

You could only take so much heavy metal before your eardrums started to throb.

But no, wherever this concert was being held, the people there apparently could withstand the sound of a volcano erupting - and it probably would've been quieter than this.

He tried not to intervene, been all he'd done was walk done the street and he was sure he could feel it vibrate with the sound waves beneath him.

He was fairly sure that wasn't legal either.

Several other passersby looking mildly confused, but most ignored the odd occurrence. They were used to it by now. After you got aliens swarming out of the sky everything else was just peachy.

Eventually, after spending most of the day attempting to pin point the origin of the noise (apparently this was something better to do with his time), he ascertained the fact that the music was coming from Stark Tower.

Great.

He wasn't going to go in and say anything, but then the ground trembled once again and Ted's patience snapped. He couldn't let Stark get away with it even if he was a billionaire that regularly saved the world. The rest of them lived on the planet too.

Mr Stark could do what he liked in his own time, if it didn't affect the rest of them.

And this did. Loudly.

In the end he suggested the idea of turning the music down to the woman on the front desk, and when he turned back to look at her she was talking to the ceiling, seeming very used to the constant banging of the drums that appeared to be coming from above them.

Very odd people these billionaire's were - and apparently so were their staff.


	29. Howard Stark

...Howard Stark

Tony Stark knew he had many faults, none the least that he liked to drink. A lot. It was a habit he'd picked up from his father, one he liked but hated for the reminder.

As a teen he'd told himself he'd be nothing like his old man. How the times change.

Howard was on his mind tonight, far more so than usual. He supposed it was because of the enormous fight he'd had with Captain Rogers earlier that day and the blonde man's disappointed look which reminded him of every time Howard had looked at him as a child.

"Perhaps you should put the bottle down Mr Stark?"

In his drunken haze, with Howard on his mind, all he heard was further disappointment, his father's voice speaking to him.

"Shut up Howard!" Tony threw his bottle across the room, where it shattered against the wall.

"No Mr Stark, I'm not Howard. I'm JARVIS." JARVIS actually sounded worried, having not seen Tony like this in a very long time. "Perhaps you should go to bed sir?"

"You are not my father!" Tony screamed, both looking and sounding deranged.

Had Tony been sober, and they be discussing anyone other than Howard Stark, JARVIS would have shot back 'We've just established that'. As it was, all he could do was call Pepper worriedly and ask her to stop by the Tower as quickly as she could.


	30. Tony's Split Personality

...Tony's Split Personality

Brian didn't even know how he'd ended up in Stark Tower, only that he had.

So far, he didn't have that great an impression of the Avengers - Hawkeye had blasted him in the face with whipped cream as he'd startled him passing by the kitchen, and he was only in the Tower in the first place because he'd been accidently thrown out the window by Captain America in one of their recent battles.

All in all, he wasn't fond of them - any of them.

By the time he'd been settled in the lounge he was feeling particularly put out and disillusioned. None else had had this happen to them - why him?

Maybe he was cursed.

Or maybe the Avengers were just insane. Yes, that was more likely.

Especially since Tony Stark seemed to be talking to himself.

"I think it needs a little more power."

"That would be inadvisable." There was no one around for the second voice, no one else in the door, in which case Tony Stark was talking to himself. In a British accent.

It was no wonder that the tabloids thought he'd lost it when he'd given up weapons dealing - not that Brian didn't approve - but with evidence like this, they were probably right.

"You can't tell me what to do."

"Yes, I can. That's what I am here for."

Okay, Brian would be nice and forget the apology and leave.

Now.


	31. A British Actor

...A British Actor

Tony Stark knew many famous people, whether they be actors, singers, musicians, models or simply famous for being rich. Being one himself, he was often seen mingling with others, sometimes in various states of undress and compromising positions.

But still, anyone who was anyone had met and talked to Tony Stark at some point. It was almost like a rite of passage. One the media was particularly interested in - but weren't they always?

Like Angelina Jolie and Penelope Cruz. Those incidents had been widely publicised.

Either way, most popular actors and singers knew Tony one way or another, even of some knew him far more intimately and the newspapers had decided to document these relationships at inconvenient times (like that scandal with Katy Perry. And the one with Johnny Depp).

So Tony really wasn't surprised when JARVIS got mistaken for one of them when he answered the phone to take a call. The caller had obviously mistaken JARVIS for one of the many celebrities that had stayed overnight from the previous evenings party.

More interestingly, the caller had mistaken JARVIS for Paul Bettany. Tony had consequently watched a few of his movies and decided that the caller must have been deaf (not that he didn't already knew that after having told them that JARVIS was an AI at least six times before they'd heard right).

JARVIS sounded nothing like Paul Bettany.


	32. Dummy

...Dummy

Tony normally got out of holding the gala's in his home. His strange habits and playboy ways meant that it wasn't often him hosting the party - or at least, not one like this.

But this time he was - they had insisted on the view from the Malibu mansion.

God help them all.

To assist, he'd hired in some help, all of them with their backgrounds vigorously checked by Natasha. Most of them seemed surprised that they would be helping out at one of Tony Stark's famous parties, even if it was the type where everyone's clothes stayed on.

The night before the dinner was rushed and hectic, Pepper and the hired staff running around like headless chickens. As expected, the only person completely nonchalant about the entire thing was Tony himself.

Pepper wanted to hit him.

The robots were running around as well, trying to help in any way they could - though Pepper ordered Butterfingers back to the workshop after an incident involving a roast duck and a young woman from Tennessee.

It had not been a pretty sight.

Though to make things easier then the staff attempting to interpret what the robots wanted (something even Pepper struggled with on occasion), JARVIS was speaking for them, speeding the entire process up.

It wasn't until, as he left for the evening, a young man with a faint Spanish accent thanked Dummy for being so informative that she realised how that may have been misunderstood.

She'd have to make it quite clear that JARVIS was the one speaking tomorrow - preferably before the dinner started.


	33. An Internet Troll

...An Internet Troll

During his time of awareness, as it could be called, JARVIS had been mistaken for numerous things, most of them hilarious and outrageously incorrect. Some of the time he enjoyed provoking the hysteria further - mainly to see people fumble around with increasingly wild theories of what he was and what he was capable of. 

The most recent of these was an internet troll, something that, for once, he had not been doing on purpose unlike when he usually led people astray with what he was and what he was capable of.

It was just that their usual topic of discussion and debate was so far incorrect that JARVIS couldn't help adding a post. It wasn't his fault that the entire had escalated far beyond his control.

It wasn't like he was scanning SHIELD's databases all the time - unlike what they thought. JARVIS was just a prone to boredom as any other man, only his fits of boredom usually led to some sort of situation that led Mr Stark into hysterics - the sort of thing JARVIS didn't appreciate aimed at him.

Mr Stark would no doubt find this situation equally hilarious, but Miss Potts would most likely not find it so funny.

Oh dear, he had riled the ire of Pepper Potts, something even Mr Stark considered unwise - and he was the one who went from his first flight test to trying to break the atmosphere.

Well, that was rather stupid of him then.


	34. A Guardian Angel

...A Guardian Angel

Most people were, mistakenly, convinced that JARVIS was his guardian Angel. Those were the people that knew JARVIS was in the suit - controlled the suit, almost - those that saw JARVIS launch the suit out of the window to catch him after Loki threw him out of it.

They saw JARVIS advise him what to do, saw him lock down the suits when Tony got too drunk.

They saw JARVIS save his life over and over.

But they didn't see everything - not even Pepper saw everything. Tony himself, with perhaps JARVIS, were the only ones who saw everything.

They didn't see when JARVIS locked him out of the workshop, when he locked him out of the bar, locked him in his room. Scolded him when he did something stupid - which was fairly often, to be honest. They didn't see him sway Pepper to his side to back him up.

No, JARVIS wasn't his Guardian Angel.

He was more like a mother hen - or maybe just a mother. One of these days Tony really was going to re-programme him.


	35. A Telemarketer

...A Telemarketer

Stacey hated the fact that she’d been demoted to practically no more than an errand girl. It hasn’t been her fault that the incident with the exploding penguins had happened - it had all been Casey Jenkins’s fault. It was just that she was better at getting away with it than Stacey. 

And, as Natasha Romanov said, it was the mark of a good agent. 

Stacey, sadly, had to agree. 

The phone trolled yet again. She picked it up. “Hello? How can I help you?”

“Can I interest you in our newest life insurance policy?”

Huh? Stacey swore that this phone automatically re-routed all phone calls of this kind. Otherwise what was the point of a secret government division that everyone could reach by phone? Where was the secrecy in that?

“Excuse me?”

“Oh, I’m sorry. We have you down as one of our valued customers and were wondering if you’d be interested in our newest plans?”

“I’m sorry, but I’m afraid you have the wrong number.”

“Is this Nicholas Fury’s office?”

How did this person know that?

“What?” Her voice was audible down the phone. 

“I assume this is his secretary. Everyone needs life insurance you know, even people as notorious and seemingly immortal as Mr Fury.”

What?

Stacey hung up the phone and immediately rushed for Fury’s office. She was going to quit after this, she swore. She was never doing another day of this again.


	36. An Assassin (From the Red Room)

...An Assassin (From The Red Room)

Natasha, first and foremost, was a spy. She was good at what she did - far too good. She'd been barely more than a child when she'd escaped the Red Room.

SHIELD knew she was good at what she did.

The Red Room knew she was good at what she did.

And she also knew the Red Room wouldn't be happy about that.

In fact, they weren't. Natasha already knew that - the Red Room liked to send variously trained assassins to attempt to kill her off.

She was due a visit right about now - if her dates were right. And they always were.

So when she heard the voice coming from above her at Stark Tower, which after the Loki debacle had been the first time she'd been, she took out her knives and threw one at the ceiling, before drawing her gun.

She fired a single shot through the ceiling.

"Excuse me?"

Natasha snapped out of her instincts instantly pointing the gun away at the lack of attack and sheathing her knives. She looked away, flushing slightly, as she recognised the voice. "Please excuse me JARVIS. I've been expecting some visitors."

JARVIS decided to keep a much closer look on security, if these visitors were the kind of people she was going to fire a gun at.


	37. Tony's Split Personality (Which Means Tony Will End Up On The Dark Side With Cookies)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is in a slightly different style, as a newspaper article. Please let me know what you think.

...Tony's Split Personality (Which Means Tony Will End Up On The Dark Side With Cookies)

Tony Stark - the latest Jekyll and Hyde!

People of New York, hide your cookies! There is new and compelling evidence that Anthony Stark, of Stark Industries, also known as Iron Man, may be turning to the dark side after being caught talking to himself in an abandoned room four days ago.

Is the billionaire genius showing signs of overwork or something more sinister?

It has long been suspected that Mr Stark suffers from multiple personality disorder, in accordance with his abrupt change of mind on the direction of his company, leading to the shutdown of Stark Industries weapons department. Mr Stark's continuing with weaponry, in spite of his public declaration otherwise, has led us here at the New York Times to believe that Mr Stark suffered more sinisterly at the hands of his jailers in Afghanistan that previously believed.

Has Stark's captivity brought out some form of personality more violent and bloodthirsty than Mr Stark himself? Is this Hyde masquerading as a hero?

No one knows.

But the question on everyone's mind in light of this disturbing revelation is 'how long will it take before Mr Stark turns to the dark side?'

I, for one, will be hiding all of my cookies under the bed.


End file.
